Emotional Prison

Just recently I posted on status that you have the opportunity to turn your mess to a message.  Often times we look at someone and we think we have them ALL figured out. We have those people we dislike, the people we love, the people we envy and the people we admire. We sometimes forget that each of those people come with a story that makes them unique. That makes them flawed and that makes them human.

I remember the very first day I let someone define me. I was 5 and I can't remember her name , but I remember the incident. There was a little girl that lived a couple doors down and we played together all the time.  This particular day we were playing with our dolls and putting beads in their hair. Suddenly she looked in this canister full of beads and said YOU STOLE SOME OF MY BEADS!!! I am not really sure how she determined that, but she was adamant that I had stolen something that belonged to her. She stated she did not like me and would not be my friend anymore.  I was devastated and I believe that is the first day I started believing I was unlikeable.

As I went through life I struggled to connect with people. Even though I was charming, people said  they liked me I really believed it was all a lie. Who could like me? I grew to hate myself and all the bad things about me said by mean hateful people, or lets face it kids just being kids I believed it ! The bad stuff was much easier to believe. When people said good things I was furious at the thought that they would lie and try to trick me into thinking I was worthy.

I hated myself. I was skinny, the boys did not seem to like me and I was frustrated that I was never one of the POPULAR girls.  At one point people would spread rumors about me that were NOT EVEN TRUE, but in some twisted way I did not defend myself because I was just glad people knew who I was.

As I grew older this self hatred of sorts, turned into self sabotage. Every potential for success I somehow adverted it. I did not go into acting even though it was my passion, because I told myself I would never make it anyway. I did not become a reporter and I convinced myself I was no where pretty enough  to be on television. I convinced myself even though I have two Masters levels degrees that I somehow cheated my way through school and I was not valuable enough to have a real career.  I even tried to sabotage my marriage before we said I do, because I was convinced no one would actually go through with marrying me.

To support these beliefs I aligned myself with some of the most toxic people. I kept a friendship for two decades even though she constantly proved she was not a friend because she had convinced me no one but her really liked me. She even tried to convince me that my husband moved of state to get away from me. GREAT FRIEND right? Every single failure in my life just served as confirmation of what I believed I was worthless and I was never going to be more than what I was no matter how hard I tried so WHY BOTHER?

I started living a double life . One where I was constantly self deprecating myself and another where I created all these surface relationships that gave people the illusion I was confident. I had imprisoned myself in my own destructive thoughts. Honestly no one has ever even supported them I have been told quite the opposite by the people who should have mattered.

I allowed ALL of my experiences to negatively impact me. So the truth is I did not give myself the chance to learn much. I self prophesied most of my failures. I willed them into existence. This kinda hatred generates anger, and my expectations of people were much too high. If they disappointed me I shut down. If they talked about me I blew up. I became known for my outbursts and it was something to this day I am not proud of. Every time someone criticized me it became my truth.

Up until recently all of my decisions have been fear-based. I probably have missed out on a lot of great things for fear of failure. It was easier to not try than to either fail or succeed and be held accountable for maintaining that image. So why the blog what's the point you ask? Well sometimes making yourself vulnerable allowing people to see side of you that you have kept hidden gives you insurmountable power.

I have lived in a prison of self hatred for 34 years and refused to turn 35 feeling the same way. There are so many ways to use your voice, I choose to speak of what was as a way to say NOW you have said it move on. What I have learned over the years are some  very valuable lessons. You can have a reasonable dispute and maintain a relationship. It is OK to let go of "friends" once you have outgrown each other. It is OK to fail because even failure is success.

The good part to all of this is even though I gave up , I am blessed that the Universe did not give up on me. This means I always have a chance to change my view of the world and leave the footprint I was meant to leave. I started this with you never know a persons story. The funny part of it all is now that I see the world the way I should have always seen it, It is so much I want to do. It is almost a rush to the finish line. It is refreshing at this point to hear what people have to say about me good or bad and walk away and say their opinion does not define me AND ACTUALLY BELIEVE IT.

This blog was inspired by someone that said I wish I could be like you, you're always happy , your so successful you have an amazing spirit. I thought at the time BOY DO THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME!!  However I now realize that you can be an inspiration to others  even when you can not inspire yourself. Your message won't apply for all, but for many it will. I am glad the world knocked me down so many times, one of those falls must have knocked some sense into me. I named my blog Lynne The Dreamer, because I believe that if you dream you always have something exciting to look forward to. It looks like a lot more than losing weight is happening for me on this 90 day Journey!!!